moving in with mom after dad died

I put myself into survival mode and protected my children with all the strength and energy I had. Im just trying to have a good relationship. My dad spends every waking minute with her when hes not working, and doesnt see me anymore and rushes me off the phone when I call him, and has almost completely quit calling me. Of course not. She called two nights before my moms funeral wanting to talk to my dad, and we were having a family meeting with the pastor to plan my moms service. To say I was shocked beyond words is an understatement. He had never been around death until that time, my parents had been married 55 years. When my mother died my sister moved in to her house and is living there and wants to buy the rest of the siblings their share of the house. My family and I have done our best to communicate our feelings to him. My sister does not like her because she thinks they were going together before my Mom even died, or soon after and kept it a secret. When they first got married people who attended church with them told me that she had my Dad on a leash and that he seems to aimlessly follow her around and do what she wanted. Then a few weeks it was Im thinking about marrying her I completely felt he just erased the last 26 years with my mother and is replacing her with this stranger. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not. I dont want to have to cut him out of my life, but I am very angry with him for choosing his own happiness right now over his adult children, who are aching for his support. Hi, But thats the issue here for me, recognition that we still need time and space, and respect and sensitivity to having her in our lives so soon after loosing our Mother. After Mom My mom looked forward to and cherished those few hours with her family even though all of us could not attend. In fact, I caught him with tears in his eyes at one point and I couldnt help but wonder if he was thinking about my Mom that night. Sonia- I hope you find this response. I would go during the day and he would come around 4 to relieve me. Dad Died I agree that we just feel the way we feel. Totally inappropriate! Or call 18665650065 between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Within 3 days of her passing, my dad asked me if I wanted to meet this lady friend of his. Hi It is so unspeakably insensitive to tell people that the pain and grief they are dealing with could be worse. You better believe it did. dad He lives alone and works in a very good job. She has made Dad chose between his family and hers. or is it all about you and what you want? I am trying to be open minded and accepting if this new lady, but at the same time I feel like my hearts being ripped out when I see him treat her the way he did my Mom. When you meet alone, you should tell him how you feel excluded from his life & how hurt and sad you are. My sister & I cry many times throughout the day. He has a house here in FL and one in KY,so he felt the need to go to KY to get away for a while. For. This felt like my father was purposely hurting my mother and myself along with my brother. We had a big argument a little over a year ago and hurtful words and letters were exchanged. It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. . WebUnfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. I mean it is not all about what you want. He pretty much worked up until he died. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town. If I was there I would give you a hug.Listening as you work things out is the best thing a friend could do. Her death, while so very difficult to deal with of course, was not a surprise for any of us. She is a horrible woman. Murdaughs wife, Maggie, and son, Paul, were found fatally shot on the familys Islandton property on June 7, 2021. I dont know how it happened but I met someone who was a friend of my wifes and we just started to fall for one another in way that I didnt think was possible, not ever, especially not after literally years of lonliness, maybe thats what your father feels. father Ive talked to him and my brothers but they dont feel everything or see things as I do. I cannot emphasise enough that there may well be a case of self-preservation here. He cant go around the sadness or loneliness he feels. Im sure by the end of the year there will be an announcement of a wedding. I was experiencing more emotions in one yearthan I had ever felt in my lifetime. We were very knowledgable about each others lives. Hope all works out for you and that you find some peace. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. She just turned 80, and while she is mobile and able to do for herself, she suffers chronic pain from spinal stenosis. My heart eyes goes way up every time she messes up our home, bleaching the carpet, breaking things cuz she mindlessly pulls stuff too hard or carelessly. I get emotional every time and do not how to deal with it. Honestly I lose all hope, but for the sake of my late Mother I will talk to him. Spoiler alert: studies show that he found out that this new york. 6 Things Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. He has been seeing this woman. One thing that has changed my perspective over the years is from whom is duty owed. Were you able to predict how this would feel? How do I deal with it? His whole personality has changed and I just cant adjust to it. You and your dad need to talk ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom. If that is not what he wants, the answers are no. What do I do? My Dads girlfriend would get offended when my Dad asked to spend some quality time with his kids. Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! Initially, i tried so his mom passed away two. I feel like he is being selfish. So after telling myself You wouldnt want him to be alone when hes old guess what? Its like Im dealing with the loss of them both. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Truly let go of anger, regret, fear and sadness anything holding you down. After she passed I found myself feeling very responsible for his well-being. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in your situation. You are married and have a child. Now she is practically living at my parents house. I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. (Of course, his wife was invited also, and my sister has told her that she is still welcome to come even if he does not.) He told my younger sister that he has already grieved for his wife and is ready to move on. Things were going back to normal, & we had both gotten jobs since being laid off. Forgiveness will change your life and set you free. The next morning when she was giving me the cold shoulder, i comfronted her. We became extremely close with my father and spent countless nights in the living room together playing games. Plus, I feel like she is somehow trying to get in good with us by buying gifts and donating money to the charity walks that we do in my Moms memory, and it makes me mad that she is pretending to be a family friend or something. Rather than gently explaining that I was ready to talk, I lashed out at my loved ones, accusing them of being forgetful, when really, they were just trying to respect my wishes. Im just not up to dealing with that yet. I never realized how much paperwork you have to do when someone dies. I was immediately put off but whatever its his life, right? I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site. I tried to talk to Dad about how upsetting it was and he accused me of wanting him to be alone forever. After . And its obviously not uncommon, especially for an older widow, to remarry quickly. While so many people say that life doesnt stop when a spouse dies, what so many people dont get is, the choices the remaining spouse makes not just affects them, but their ENTIRE FAMILY. My brother and I are still grieving the loss of our mother 4 months ago. This wasnt his fault he found himself in this situation just as we all have. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011) After his father dies in the September 11th attacks, a 9-year-old boy discovers his fathers key. In addition to adjusting to life without parent who has died, you now have to also deal with the surviving parent/step-parents relationship choices which will surely impact you directly and in-directly. Be grateful and humble for everyone and everything you have because nobody knows what the future holds. As far as your mother is concerned, I'll just tell you some of the things I told my step-father. It is weird cause growing up i was over this persons house all the time hanging out with my friend her daughter and now she is seeing my dad.just weird. That night was his last, as they all shut down, one by one. This is how our family learned that he married her. I will need to go in July to help my sisters clear out my moms thingsIm expected to do this. I thought we were just doing something the two of us and this woman I have never heard of or seen in my life showed up and my dad doesnt introduce her. 5 Jun. Time moved on. It makes me question my whole life growing up in our family. The women across the street lets call her Marsha, Marsha, Marsha, was very nice at first, but then after befriending a person in the neighborhood started to be mean to me, and due nasty things, such as putting silicone in my outside plugs etc. The wknd they arrived home, they spent the wknd with us before driving back to her place 4 hrs away. I feel like my dad is picking her crazy over our hstory together. Does your parent tell you who you should and should not date, live with or be married to? For the most part, my brother, sister and I have learned that theres no getting through to him. Suddenly dad was cramming her down my throat even pawning her off on me when he was tired of listening to her but I could not stand being with her and as time went on it became really obvious that I didnt want anything to do with her. Long. I think all the dads that want us to accept them so quickly in our lives should stop and take a minute to think about what it is doing to their children. So, to say I was blown away by my dads behavior two weeks after my moms funeral, is mild. Once you become a care-giver to a sick spouse, everything changes and changes in a way that children, even grown children cant easily understand. I have told him I understand he wants this relationship and I accept that and actually understand it.but at the same time, I am not ready (nor can I promise I ever will be) to particiate in a relationship with her. My moms remains were in a box we got from the furneral home and he wasnt even thing of buying her a proper urn. Too much change and no way to navigate through it or interpret it. I hope that all of you struggling just as I was come to that realization too. At the time my Dad was vulnerable, miserable and lonely. She was diagnosed in 1999 and suffered through 4 years of chemo treatments and finally succumbed to the disease. Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. After my father passed away, I promised myself I wouldn't continue to live my life in the background; I would do substantial things with my life and make every moment count. I am not that kind of person. What makes you all think you have the right to tell your parent what they can and cannot do in their own home and how they should live the rest of their life? but Im defensive and worried.. Maybe she is the one but like many of you, she doesnt seem to be trying to have a relationship with me..We go out to dinner together with my husband, daughter, Dad and dads girlfriend, and its like crickets. When my wife shot herself, I felt abandoned; I thought I would never be able to trust anyone again, especially a woman. Keep it to yourself, lady!!). I felt guilty when I said I dont want to meet him, but since reading everyones comments I know im not an evil person for feeling that way. One way to help yourself adjust to this situation is to spend some one-on-one time with your fathers new girlfriend to get to know her better for who she is. You shouldnt have to be at such a Situation! Love does not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. so far from my realm of understanding or reference. I LOST MY MUM 2 YEARS AGO,I HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS ,I AM THE ONLY DAUGHTER,I WAS VERY CLOSE AS WE HAD MOVED 40YEARS AGO FROM HER FAMILY,SO NEVER WAS CLOSE TO ANY OTHER WOMEN. It made me sick. We had offered to have my Dad live with us and had been planning renovations and adjustments to our home. However I am pretty blessed that my mother never seem to mention any issue. We took care of our spouses at home, tube feeding, hospice, hospital visits, radiation therapy and chemotherapies. It absolutely makes me feel like Im not wanted. She flat out told him that she did not want to hear about her, she wanted to know what he had been up to. Sorry for all the misspellings above. She didn't want that. left and never turned back, he took her to Florida for a month when he got back never contacted me and when he sees me he ignores me and snuggles her or holds her hand , like he is rubbing my face in it, siblings say get over it and let him be happy, I just cant, I am so hurt and he has also made comments to me THAT i FEEL WERE IN APPROPRIATE she has the womans touch, and you dont know how i lived very hurtful things anyone else having issues like this, I totally understand both of you. Ive studied alcoholism a lot, and for those of you stricken by our societies version of it, please understand it really is a disease and NOT a choice. Its almost like hes loving that he gets a new woman. That this woman was cleaning personal stuff of my moms in her house made me so angry. I recently sent a letter to an online relationship advice column and they responded to my letter. Your email address will not be published. I constantly encourage him to keep a relationship with them, I dont want him to separate from them. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. Did it make me angry at her? His wife passed away after a 3 4 year battle with Leukemia. Now, Im no expert on how to handle death. I lost my mom on March 24, 2008 after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer. There are people in the U.K who have never worked and who live in what is called council housingwhich would be social housing in the U.S She was so quiet and boring, nothing like my mom at all. Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole. So I thought I would reach out to this community. Both sons are married, one lives locally and one is in another state. Military Losses Often Complicated by War Coverage. I tried everything I could think of to resolve our conflict. Sure, it might be well-intentioned, but it can feel empty. The only person responsible for your happiness is you. I opened my huge mouth too quickly. Every time he has mentioned these other women he is talking to, I just feel like dying inside. He really never had time to grieve her passing before he jumped up and remarried either. Dont try to justify it. Anyways any advise??? He would start giving stuff away, etc. Everyone has to understand that I mean no harm and I resent everyone looking down on the GIRLFRIEND its become a dirty word to meI have not done any thing wrong. However, I do not have to be as sensitive to my in-laws, because they are adults, and I am not responsible to them. I cant tell my dad how I feel as I dont want to upset him. Well the evening ended, said to my husband on the way home I know where my moms ROLEX watch is he says on the new wife wristOMG I wasnt seeing things, I told my middle sister so the next time we saw them she took a look and yup, I was rightShe is still wearing it to this day and that just makes me sick Knowing that makes it. I lived with them.