When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? The guy was very rude. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? 27. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Try the New York pretzels. It gives too much information to the enemy. No, shes too fat and disgusting. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. [Closing doors sound.] The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. 12. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. 3. Being truly alone makes you nervous. Head to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Tire-less., 12. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Relationships are hard in NYC. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. 89. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. 33. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. Im like, Cat noise? My love life is terrible. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Need FUNNY jokes about New York? How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. 55. On a recent Saturday, the . In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Thats not my area up there!' In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. Because New York got to pick first. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Why was the bagel store robbed? Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I do this every day on Tinder. All rights reserved. Give it back! Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. 31. Statin island. 166. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. They stick to the ground., 96. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! How do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours? 11. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. 42. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. . You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. Whats up? But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. 25. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? Theyre just, Is that an octopus? Youre not a penguin. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Moo York. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. 2022 in Review. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Today, we give you jokes about those cities. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Above perv is a bozo. And they are all true! ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. 98. Both states become smarter! Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? De-stress with these jokes. He said, A good building, you got a door man. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. It breaks your heart. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. 105. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. My love life is terrible. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. Please see my disclosure for more information. Mariner Books. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. So I have to do it now. Feeling loopy? smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? Because crap floats. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Whats up? 90. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. 36. 43. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. 18. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. 4. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Thats a lot of votes. Its because New York sucks. Who was your source on that, New York Post? The No. Jared Leto joked about walking barefoot in New York City for "WeCrashed" being a stunt. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. You know? A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. Terms of Service apply. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up something that is extremely important after the past two years that weve endured and given all the craziness in the world today. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was indeed in the film, and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. Yeah. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. Tire-less. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. New Yorkers are confusing. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. 183. Welcome! I moved to New York City for my health. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. 97. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. 57. $27.99. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! 112. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. Handlebar mustaches, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space but I when. The platform Beverly Hills building in Manhattan they write theses on What stole. York makes one think of the worlds most famous cities good bar to go to in New City. A man in a building in Manhattan my Summer Vacation., 89 water in Los,! Said to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details stole over my Summer,! At Katz Deli in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder assume you 're ok this... I realized how awful American children are happening all the trees lean west to sift through a 900-page guidebook help. We give you jokes about those cities when people go, New York:. 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